A Standing Kimathi

I have always wondered whether there was no photo of a standing kimathi must we saw our children a chained Kimathi . A Kimathi who had fallen in to the enemies hands..a subdued Kimathi..shit a Kimathi who was so helpless...i always wondered whether there was no artist who could piece up a photo of standing Kimathi..but then the whites were using and still are using the image for propaganda purposes..

weeh ati Kenyatta was a nationalist..yenyewe shit happens ......kinyatta is said to have chased away the whites with his flywhisk..hohohooo..wapi and many Kenyans and buggers all over the world especially rastamen buy this cheap propaganda(at least everybody can afford it)...I call it urban legend...who will dispel it am asure it aint History books or our leaders..though a undisclosed source tells me that one bold Gitobu Imanyara has said it aloud..Kenyatta was a wolf in the sheepskin ..a thief a murderer ..he killed and robbed those who fought for our freedom...may he burn in hell and may the generators at KICC fail so as to make his ass rot!@$&**()(U)(U/!

Ugali is Banned

(This one i wrote way back in January 27, 2009 at the height of Maize scandal )
Reports reaching Muchene FM indicate that the parliament has passed a bill banning ugali and associated paraphernalia. At the time of going to press the bill was to be signed by the President H.E,MBQ,Thug No. 1,HIV,PPT (and other funny abbreviations we at Mushene FM can't print coz we don't understand their meaning) UNHON.CIC Kaguaru this morning.

The debate was passed in a record time not even enough for ugali water to have boiled, by the full house which had 27 MPs at the time of vote taking by the not so philanthropic Speaker of the house Mr. Marenge. The house however deleted a clause banning 'maize' in the country to allow enterprising members of the hyena society to export the same to some unnamed country.

The MPs when banning Ugali cited various reasons including that the word Ugali has caused a high level of insecurity for them and their families. They cited the recent public meetings where some unpaid senior members of the the Coalition of Thugs were confronted by violent robbers armed with hungry faces and waving placards with dangerous messages like NO WE CANT.

In seconding a youthful member of the house Mkosa Adabu popularly known for a shouting disorder said that by banning ugali they were relieving their constituents off pressure of eating unhealthy food all through the year. He said the move would encourage the citizens to consume,me more healthy foods like ant, rats, cockroaches e.t.c which are in plentiful as the famine continues to bite.

By the time of going to press, we at Mushene FM had moved most of our broadcasting equipments to an undisclosed location as we were expecting the Left HO. Cattle Rustler No.2 (after the late Polisi Lotodo) Mr. Pogit to come confiscate the remaining equipments.

Enjoy your scarce bits of Ugali before the sick arm of the law catches up with you.

Hyena of the Year Awards (H.O.Y.A) 2008 edition

Fellow invites distinguished hyenas,

The year 2008 was an excellent year in hyena society. It started on a very high note..though we the hyenas are said not to be known to eat our own children we proved the humans wrong by the roasting of our own children in Naivasha and Eldoret. We were celebrating the stealing of some fucked up papers being stolen. The Hyena Rights activists who have throughout their careers are bent(whateva that means) to derail the development of the hyena society only for them to appear in such and similar awards. The year progressed very with the elite Hyenas forming a Hyenalistic Coalition to eat the product of the fire which was lit in December 2007.
I take this chance to apologize to you as the event had to be held promptly in this unnamed location to avoid the inconvenience of overenthusiastic hyenas who stole the Dais and some awards last year.
I must also thank the judges who after much bribing and enjoying various spoils which i hear include sexual favours from the female contenders and the wives of the contenders came up with this list of award winners.

With the usual hyenish greed i hereby present you the hyenas that showed exemplary service in the hyena society.

The Thief of the Year
The award attracted many contenders right from the beginning of the year.Notable among them are unnamed stockbrokers and Mugabe. But the award goes to other than the leader of the Hyena society, The Hyena of all Hyenas who due to his nocturnal tendencies couldn't make it to this daylight event. The 2009 thief of the year award has already generated enough heat to move the turbines of Sondu Miriu with wonder of wonders..Though hyenas are not known to consume inferior products like maize prominent hyenas are said to have stolen several million bags yet there are starving idiots who were hacking each other to death at the beginning of the year due to their full stomachs.

Rotten Apple of the Year
the award to the hyena Police Force. The runners up in this category were the Mungiki and the Makangas. The civil servants were also in serious contention of the award. Though hyenas are known to feast on rotten carcasses the winners in this category displayed vigor in their ability to turn everything into an edible carcass.

Prostitute of the Year
The award will not be awarded this year as the judges asked for more time to vet the contenders.

In the culture of impunity i declare that the other awards wont be given out. I with the other greedy hyenas in the facilitating capacity will share amongst ourselves.

I call upon you fellow to contribute towards the kitty upon which my salary will be drawn fron.
GTGIUGoVUFUH

How to kill a relationship in 30 seconds

If you wanna go far go with people enthused one wise Luo elder. This is on the backdrop of an Englishman who once we are told said that no man is an island. We were meant to live together and associate with each other regardless of gender, tribe, race, social class n all that divisive shit. This is the basis of relationships in all facets of life. That is why today everyone is an Obama’s brother or cousin. I wonder why nobody wants to be Kibaki’s relative. Fail! This note wishes to discuss a killer of most relationships, be it social, political, employment, marital and even criminal. The main relationship ruining agent according to I n I is when one of the party starts believing that it is helping the other party. This happens when one of the parties sees and maybe has an upper hand but emphasizes this bit too much. Genesis of a party feeling sukari in a relationship maybe due to money, beauty, numbers and information. To illustrate this contention I use various relationships.

The Kenyan political scenes are littered with various betrayal scenarios clearly illustrating this point. In the pre independence times one and only Simba, Jaduong of Jaduongs, was offered the seat of the presidency only to refuse it on the basis that Kenyatta must be released from hell in Kapenguria. Kenyatta was released and within six years he had turned Jaramogi into a kumamake, Kinyarangarika aliyefaa kusiagwa kanma unga pamoja na watu wake. Kenyatta felt that Jaramogi was asking too much …mathafaka the bugger cud have become a president and let your ass rot in that hell. Fail! Fast forward to 2002. Kibaki breaks his neck and dick in an accident during campaigns and raila tires his tail off declaring Kibaki Tosha, the bugger was sworn in and then thought Raila was a nobody in his political life…..Kaput! Again fast forward to 2007 Dec. the only man in PNU then, Martha Karua used all her breasts and balls breath to defend the thief that is Kibaki. Everyone knows what happened here. To summarize Kibaki and relationship was Kalembe Ndile with the punchline that “Kimbake ni kama ngari ile imekwama..ukiisukuma ikishatoka kwa matope ..vruum inakuacha kwa mataa” How true some politicians think they have the upper hand and are helping others which is true in most cases but others just take it too far.

In employment relationships both the parties (employer or employee) can be the culprit. An employer sometimes feels he or she is helping you too much and starts behaving like Lucifer. Treats u like shit. No pay, you have to worship him and at worst case have to suck his or her balls or breasts. I try to imagine the mathafakas who afford to fuel their guzzlers but can’t pay their house-helps claiming they are helping them…mathafaka may the devil sodomize you tonight Employees on the other hand sometimes they are doing so much for their employers (which is most cases is true) thus start short charging and sabotage. Maafaka don’t try this if you have no clue of the worst case scenario. This can explain the G4s shit in a way….hope the CIA aint reading this.

In criminal scenes one sucker may decide that he performed the donkey job and thus deserves a larger share of the loot or all of it. When it goes thru it ok …but when the deal is sour as the Kenyan freaking media minions put it then it is bang! Bang! U a fucked buoy. You fucked with the wrong crew or police crooks

In social scene the scenario is no different. Every one here is a culprit. Don’t start denying this fact bugger. U have friends who only call you only when have problems. U also act in the same manner. U sometime get calls from someone who u think is a sumbua and just press the end call button. You also call some frenemies and the calls always end as Number Busy…..sucker that is what displays when one presses end call button on you. Payback time! The Safaricon contribution in this shit is another day’s story Jah willing. Kindly don’t try this trick on your parents’ coz the devil will violently rape you one day for sure. Heri uokoe jahazi ka huna airtime.

In the marital and boy-girl relationship- (sorry to the gays you can sort out your matters with the devil) scene, the scenario plays out more conspicuously sometimes with violent and catastrophic outcomes. One partner begins to feel that (s) he is helping the other too much. I am giving you my money, you are a parasite, I am giving u my precious dick/pussy pale pale, I gave birth to your son, I wash your ngothas full of skid marks…nigger skid marks on you underwear ..use tissue! Here we are all consciously or subconsciously guilty of this shit.

Though we are well versed with the politicians’ way of breaking their friends and the voters’ heart we tend to believe that this is only their preserve whereas the truth is that we are all just like the politicians. All this scenarios lead to straining of a relationship and the results are clearly evident all over the universe. Why silly Kikuyu will be made to loathe the Luos; why there are so many pubs and people who fear going home or places they call home; why there so many social networks promising you soul mates; why you spend so much time on Facebook and those funny dating sites trying to get a cheap lay n so on and so forth! Get a life and when you are at it don’t kill the relationship by thinking you are god.

In the Streets of Nairobi

Yesterdays Daily Nation (11/03/2010) headline stroke a different chord bringing out several issues especially on the roads with the ongoing roads constructions. Thus today i take an off and had a rigmarole for several hours in the streets of Nairobi. Nairobi is one great city i must admit.
The attraction of all time is the scenery and our women. The beautification of the city though most was done on the upper part of Nairobi is assuaging the hassles of the city. Why the bureaucrat have to concentrate all their efforts in the Nairobi past Tom Mboya ....i don't know. Maybe, just maybe they do not collect taxes from the 'other' Nairobi. Sitting on a bench under one of these indigenous trees is heavenly. You will relax as Nairobi life swim past you. SO I took a bench along the Moi Avenue..this the middle class avenue. Women in all shapes and heels; some graciously, some labouring walk past by. It is funny that many on the benches are men....our women never rest they are always busy. I guess not many Nairobians will also sit in these benches ..considering it a waste of time..most probably waste of drinking time. SO the women were there to catch my eyes. they wear all the good and bad fashions: wigs, weaves(if thea is a difference or a similarity ask the fashionistas), braids, chemicals, flat irons, cheap or expensive they seem to fit when they fit and to be out of head when they deemed so. one of the sad observation one makes in the streets of Nairobi is that there are very few couples who grace the streets. Maybe we are ready to embrace all sorts of the so called Western ideas, we are not ready to adopt the public display of affection. The only couples walking in the streets of Nairobi are college guys. Athas are mainly mipango ya kando ama ya ofisi.
In my rigmarole i haven't seen anybody complaining of being mugged or being mugged..no one was knocked down by any mobile object..though a bus had scratched a driving school car..I observed how the valuation was done chap chap and the bus guy paying Ksh. 500. whether the bus driver was in the wrong or whether he was just not ready to waste precious time arguing with the driving school trainer was ahead of me. Maybe the negative events which grace our headlines are just isolated cases ..maybe just maybe the newspapers will shift their news coverage ...pumping the positive news to us.
ANyway in Nairobi everything and anybody trends...What a city..Mi love it.

The Land Lords of Nairoberry

Trying moving in Nairobi is one expensive, exhausting affair. It drains you. The matters is made worse by uncooperative landlords. The landlord from where you are getting out from will always come up with a 1001 reasons why you can't move out. Either you did not give the required notice, you have damages to pay...Lotta bulshit. (They will keep quoting and stressing the need for sticking to the contract yet will disregard it when raising the rent and other charges). But in the end it boils down to getting more dollars from you or denying you in the form of numerous deposits. The rich people of Kenya I don't know what is wrong with them...They will reach out for the few coins you have though they are stinking rich..This has really eluded me ..can't you let the poor have some break...Kwani what does money make of people....If the landlords of Nairobi are anything to go by ..

KNEC Sites-Offline

Been trying to log in to the KNEC sites www.knec.ac.ke and www.exanmscouncil.or.ke 24 hrs since the elections were posted to no avail. Am sure most of the candidates, parents and guardians are experiencing the same. So what is the need for these sites if 24 hrs after the announcements nobody can access their results. 24 hrs later am sure the exams are available at the schools. So having these sites beats the logic.
Do the technocrats really know what goes on coz even trying to access the KCPE results gives the same report. There is no excuse for lousy services. The exams results are a perishable service..its shelf life is 2-5 days athawiz it is stale. So the producers of this service should ensure that they provide the best service in thoise five which i believe is possible. The excuse that so many people are trying to access the site is lame. However, there might be varied reason which can explain the current situation. First maybe that those hosting the site are using the slow ass internet we are used to. Maybe the computer hosting the site is dead or anatha tortoise.The site could be running on a MS-Access Database on a P2 machine with 128MB of RAM which is a server by government standards. Or maybe those hosting the site are the same ones offering SMS services so they wouldn't want the site to be fast so as people can send as many SMSes as possible....
This is Kenya anything goes.